LET HIM FLY

There’s that saying, “Never run for a bus, train or man…” because when one leaves, another will come.

But what if every time you’ve ever had a man, you flew for him?

I’ve been thinking about regrets since I had turned 30, because most people try to lead their life without any. But I do have one.

My last lover, I was never supposed to have. What started as a one night stand of convenience turned into two-ish very interesting years. He taught me a lot. He taught me what it was like to think that you have someone close to you, but in their heart… they are completely running. Like, I said… he was never supposed to be mine, but I had him anyway. Unlike the lover I had in Washington who I flew for because he lived completely far away, I flew for this one because I was literally trying to catch him.

Every time I thought I had him, he’d be off to Las Vegas, Italy or anywhere but where I wanted him to be. Throughout my own life, I was taught to never give up on something I really wanted. But the truth of the matter is my only regret is that I didn’t give up sooner.

I didn’t realize it at the time to my own subconscious chagrin in front of my closest friends, I was being taken for cheap and I was in a losing game.

I will remember 24-hour trips to Las Vegas just to be together. I’ll remember the twinkle of his eye after a few Mandarin cosmos. I will remember closing my eyes when he kissed me because that felt like magic every single time. I will remember offering up my kidney that I didn’t know was good, bad, or even able to be offered, when he had to get surgery on his. I will remember the way he looked at 6 am naked while taking in a glass of water at the beginning of the day.

I’ll remember when my heart bloomed tulips.

Constantly.

For him.

The love I had for him was growing every day.

And while I remember all those things, I’ll remember the only time I asked “did you f**k him?” to someone in the kind of intense, interrogatory way that was begging, pleading, and demanding for an answer. He didn’t have one. That was the biggest shock of all. Too cheap to be given a straight answer.

I regret that the time I decided to stand up for myself was when someone else was in the picture, rather than standing up for myself when all I wanted someone to do was meet me completely instead of almost. Almost is never enough.

So now, I’ll never run for a man, train or a bus. Because if you have to do that, it’s probably not worth it. But I learned that after flying for one.

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