Find your Daoism, LIfe

Where Love Is Lost, Your Ghost Is Found

Photo Jan 25, 12 46 56 PM

The other day, I looked into life’s rear-view mirror while I was talking to a friend.

“Kim, how did you know you were in love with John?”

Even if it’s been awhile since that feeling has lived (it is now dead), it’s still very lucid in my mind. You never forget two things about a relationship – how you choose to enter one and how you leave one. I met my last love as a one-night-stand (don’t judge me), but being the over indulgent person I am – one night eventually extended into a week, which would then last a little more than a year.

Eventually what was supposed to be only sex turned into much more…I remember the thing that filled my heart the most, was watching him sleep. It was nice to view someone when they were completely at peace. There was also the moment where he would get up in the morning after a night of sleep and take his pills by the sink. The light from his window always seemed to hit him just right.

I always believed your vulnerabilities are most apparent when you first get up in the morning.

I felt privileged and lucky to get to see that in John when I could.

The moment I fell in love though? It was during that one kiss that felt different from the one that was before. I will admit before this one kiss that changed everything, I tried to not close my eyes during our kisses. My guard was trying to stay up because somewhere in my heart, I got the feeling he wasn’t available. But I couldn’t help it anymore, I closed my eyes and that’s when I let go.

I got lost.

I fell in love.

I was lucky to fall in love over and over again when I closed my eyes, and we kissed.

That’s how I entered this relationship.

And how I left?

Well, let’s just say that feeling hasn’t come around in a long time.

Love has a way of bringing back your truth, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

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Find your Daoism, LIfe

28 Years

Image“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” -Oscar Wilde

28…

28 days… ?

Now, I’ve never been to rehab for addiction, but I have heard 28 days has healing qualities. That’s kind of what I feel about turning 29 very soon. 28 was like hurricane season that never ended. The door to my life became revolving, sometimes it would tear down, but surprisingly everything remains still in tact. I never used to embrace change growing up, because that’s all my life was and I sought stability and normalcy.

But at the edge of 29, I’ve never sought change and growth more in my life.

To celebrate my impending birthday… I would like to get some nostalgia and breathe it all over you.

  1. DREAM BIG. Always keep your dreams close and when life presents the opportunity, make them a reality.
  2. Career wise, you may report to someone, but you have ownership of yourself. Always set expectations for yourself and exceed them.
  3. You are responsible for your own success.
  4. Online dating is horrible.
  5. Say it like you mean it.
  6. You get a good opportunity to accurately assess your life when you have to drive yourself to the ER because you cannot breathe.
  7. Always keep a tally of your in case of emergency in the case of #5.
  8. There is nothing like a walk through New York City on a sunny day by yourself. It is the most clarity inducing thing you can ever do, which is funny because New York is utterly chaotic.
  9. Always keep a collection of good songs. What’s life without a soundtrack?
  10. Positive thinking can be a wonderful lifeline in certain situations.
  11. If the guy is rude to a waiter, chances are he is a total dick.
  12. Chances are if the guy is rude to the waiter, he wasn’t paying attention when you told him how you worked at the Cheesecake Factory for 6 years.
  13. Follow through is important. You can be anything, but if you produce nothing — you are useless.
  14. Let go of what is unnecessary. Hold garage sales for your life when the seasons change, so you can get rid of what you don’t need anymore.
  15. A big bowl of pasta can be comforting. It also does a good job of drowning out your emotions.
  16. Martinis are like boobs. One is not enough, two is just right, three is too many.
  17. Find ways to do nice things for others, and not only yourself.
  18. In life and relationships, the matter of convenience can present itself. Convenient relationships are fine, the most important ones you have in your life are utterly inconvenient.
  19. If you are thinking of someone, find a way to let them know.
  20. It’s surprising how many people choose to lie by omission and not consider it lying.
  21. Do not go to Vegas with people who are sober.
  22. Keep yourself in a place of yes, if you can (Thanks, Bethenny).
  23. More is more. Less is less. Less can be more, but where is the fun in that?
  24. You cannot control other people.
  25. You get what you think you deserve. Keep your self-value in constant check.
  26. Pineapple is a good anti-inflammatory. This is useful if you are on a sexy date and need to have some vodka.
  27. Never make excuses for bad service.
  28. Always choose to be brave.
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Fashion

Go For The Sparkle

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I hope you’ve got your calendar cleared this Thursday, August 8th.

In my blogging shenanigans, one day I followed the trail of sequins and it led me to Vanessa Grannis of Shopping, Saving, & Sequins and Calypso St. Barth. Even though, Calypso St. Barth is a womenswear line, I am a fan of this line because it isn’t afraid to take it’s liberties with sequins in their refined, uniquely casual but indulgently upscale, and modern designs.

Ladies, if you are looking for a reason to get a piece for your wardrobe that will take you from the beautiful time of where summer ends and fall begins, you won’t want to miss this event. Vanessa will be there to help you pick out new pieces from Calypso’s newest collection and you will be able to sip and snack as you shop. Plus, 20% off will be offered on your purchase (some exclusions apply).

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Visit Shopping, Saving & Sequins here: http://shopsavesequins.blogspot.com

View the fabulous stylings of Calypso St. Barth here: http://www.calypsostbarth.com

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Find your Daoism, LIfe

Something Personal

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Hello,

Sometimes opportunities will present themselves that give you a chance to make the world a better place. As a writer or any creative person will tell you, one of the most wonderful experiences is the act of being able to strip something down and make it vulnerable enough to inspire and relate to other people. When I found out my best friend Martin had made a pledge for the San Francisco Walk for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, it immediately made me feel vulnerable.

The issue of suicide can be foreign to a lot of people, because most often times it approaches in a very silent manner. You never know who might be knocking at your door until you answer it. It was foreign to me as well, because it never touched my life or anyone close to me.

However, this only lasted until I was about 13.

Growing up, I was a victim of repeated molestation (I know someone in the Westboro Baptist Church is probably testing out an anti-gay microphone right now), this happened when I was around 5 or 6 years old. My mother was single mother and often at times I would be in my uncle’s care when she was in a pinch for childcare. And then at 13, my uncle raped me.

My uncle approached me in my bedroom and had distracted me. The next thing I knew, I was undressed and naked. My mind had left (probably to protect myself), but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life. Somehow, I think of the mental block that I had in place after the first incidents of molestation that happened when I was younger, were slowly unraveling while he raped me.

My body felt nothing. I stood dead silent. But my mind was racing.

After I got up, I excused myself to the shower.

I remember sitting there in a fetal position and I watched the water drip off of my knees. This lasted for about 20 minutes. I had no concept of time anymore. I was embarrassed. Who would I tell? What would I say? Would anyone believe me?

And I thought that my uncle was still out in my living room. I couldn’t do that anymore. The only way I was going to make it out of this shower, I thought, was that I would die in it. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to piece in my little brain, the ergonomics of hanging myself in the shower. Then I thought of taking a knife to myself or ingesting pills. There was always a knack for following through and doing it well, even when I was 13.

But then I made the bravest decision of my life. I chose to live.

I sat in that shower for about an hour and cried.

It’s a big badge to wear and a dusty skeleton to unbury from the back of my closet, but it’s worth it to share. I wanted to take the chance to celebrate friendship especially that of my best friend. My friend that has brought me through some of the best years of my life, and letting me know that things are always okay: whether it be a man who broke my heart and made me cry in my vodka, a career decision to make, or how to rid myself of the 10 pounds I’m constantly looking to lose.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones, because I’ll read stories about people like Tyler Clementi and that breaks my heart. I am quite sure being from the Asian family that I am that no one preferred that I even wrote this. But as things come with age, sometimes you realize that things that you had no control over, are not worth being embarrassed about anymore.

If Tyler had the chance to talk to someone, if I had the chance to speak with him,  I would have told him to be brave. I would have told him things would have been okay.

I hope you’ll join me in supporting my dear friend in his pledge to suicide prevention. And by chance, if you have issues with the act of suicide, then join me in celebrating friendship.

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Donate here:

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=417514

Be brave.

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Find your Daoism, LIfe

To All The Mothers

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Wasn’t my mother a Betty?

This photo dates all the way back to god knows when, but my mother is the one to the right in the above photo. Plaid button up, heels, and big cuffs on her jeans like she could give a shit less what you thought. I love that. Outfits like this would later progress when she was running a few minutes late or extremely early to my PTA conferences in elementary school. She would sit and stare at my teacher tell her how good my writing skills were, as she was laced in a little hairspray from her waitressing shift the night before and some of the tightest jeans with pointy high heels.

If you ever met my mother after you met me, you would know that she passed on some qualities down the womb.

She is this crazy ball of energy that always seems to ask me “how I am doing,” before I get the chance to ask her. She is incredibly stubborn with her emotions, but her spirit is so generous with a heart full of love. If you needed something, she’d find a way to get it to you. It reminds me of when I was in middle school and wanted to go to Paris so badly and was getting creative of how to pull the money to go (who knew later I would suck so bad in college Accounting). So she made me work for it, but then at the deadline for payments — she also took me to the pawn shop to sell off some of her jewelry.

I never forgot my love of Paris the first time I saw the Eiffel Tower. And these are one of things my mother did for me, I will never forget.

I equate my mother to Mrs. Flax, the character played by Cher in the movie, Mermaids (in case you are wondering I am Kate Flax and my sister is Charlotte). The women who had kids that weren’t exactly planned, but rose to the occasion of man who they fell in love with (my father). My childhood was brilliantly colorful, there are some things I wouldn’t change.

My mother taught me that men should accept you for you who you are, and all your baggage. Like the one time when I was 7, and her baby-sitting accommodations flaked, so she put me in my suit. She slicked back my hair, adjusted my bow tie and I hung on to her tutu as we went out to the club. Yes, I went to the club with my mother when I was 7. I remember I was a little shy to be in such an adult environment, so I hid under her tutu as she slid around like a tiger to pick up on men. And then as she broke into conversation with the man at the club, she pulled me from under her tutu, to introduce me. And that was the test.

Thankfully, as raising kids grew more challenging — she grew out of habits like this.

I attribute so much to my mother: the ability to work hard for everything that I wanted, the craziness of my mouth, the size of my heart, and a love for getting lost in the most epic song. My mother (and essentially almost every Asian mother) taught me that you can say anything to anyone and control their reaction by the way you choose to deliver it.

“Kim, how are you doing honey. Is everything okay? Your ass looks bigger than it did last week… Here, let me get you some water, SIT DOWN.”

Haha. All the love to my crazy mother, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers I know out here, there and in such far away places as Memphis. You inspire me.

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Find your Daoism, LIfe

Flaunting It

“Straight people are not announcing they’re straight, so why does everybody have to announce their sexuality or whatever? You know, what they prefer… So that’s just how I see it. That’s my opinion on things. All respect you know, I have nothing but respect for the people whoever decisions they make and whatever, but you know, you don’t have to show it and flaunt it like that. You know what I’m saying, we have kids out here, too.”

–Asante Samuel, Atlanta Falcons

I never really had to announce my sexuality. I thought it was an odd concept, and even though I love the idea of a party (for any occasion) or going for the drama, it just didn’t seem appropriate. There is a little more class and humility involved in choosing to announce or “flaunt” something that is personal and so inherent to your soul.

When I was hanging out in Memphis, I remember blatantly saying in discussion to my friend Jessie… “I go into everyday ready to die. Someone might want to kill me because I’m gay.”

And that’s the scary truth.

Sometimes to cross-check a statement you made, you have to ponder the opposite. In this case, let’s talk about “flaunting.”

And you know what, sometimes I get tired of people flaunting their heterosexuality. Shall we ponder that? I’ll tell you why. I hate it when girls flaunt their maxi skirts and dresses. I get jealous every time a heterosexual girl wears one. It looks damn comfortable. And it’s the closest thing to being naked on a hot day. Why can’t I have that opportunity?

Or could I say I am tired of heterosexual boys flaunting their sexuality by scratching their balls in public. As a gay man, you refrain from doing that otherwise you lose your gay card. But as a human, there is that itch that you can’t scratch. The conundrum goes on. That gets annoying. Really quick.

No one is really flaunting anything.

People are just choosing to be who they are. The difference is gay people are just fighting to be simply recognized. And hey Asante, by the way — straight people aren’t announcing they are straight because it’s the assumption. That’s like me announcing I’m Asian.

Deuces.

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Find your Daoism, LIfe, Travel

Two Sparrows in Memphis

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I had a really great weekend.

As I was sitting on a cramped, overnight Delta flight to Detroit (sandwiched between a British woman and a stinky boy who was becoming more aggressive and violent in his sleep), I got to thinking about friendships (also known as “Why was I on a flight to Memphis”). When you are young, you are concerned with being popular, thus your friendships made their value in how many friends you actually had.

I am finding though as I get older, there are certain things that matter more. It’s now how many friends you have, but rather who you choose to make your friend.

This weekend reminded me that I was lucky to call Jessie a friend.

One night at a Yelp party long ago, we aligned spirits together and everything just clicked. I met a cute hipster girl in glasses with her husband who chatted with me about Golden Girls. I knew we would be friends, because some part of me knew this girl loved her alcohol (that’s the pre-requisite). As friendships change over time and life makes you forget certain things, the good people in your life will be there to remind you. Friends might remind the other that they are fabulous when things are mess, they are worth more than they know when someone is shooting them down, and to not have babies too late in life. And even if you are destined to live in a place that doesn’t carry organic artichokes all year round, that sometimes a good laugh can get you through your days.

This weekend was a great reminder of friendship and I had such a good time.

I only had wished I gave that hot pharmacist at the CVS Drive-Thru Pharmacy my number. Aren’t wedding rings in the Southern states made of aluminum anyway?

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